


Supernatura S14E3: The Scar Coda

by WaywardAF67



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Castiel in the Bunker, Coda, Confessions, Dean is home, Episode: s14e03 The Scar, Episode: s14e03 The Scar Coda, Friends to Lovers, M/M, Season/Series 14 Spoilers, Sharing a Bed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-26
Updated: 2018-10-26
Packaged: 2019-08-07 21:39:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,168
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16416449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WaywardAF67/pseuds/WaywardAF67
Summary: After Dean and Sam return home from Sioux Falls, Castiel and Dean have a much-needed talk about the things Cas saw while going through Dean's memories.





	Supernatura S14E3: The Scar Coda

**Author's Note:**

> As always a huge thank you to EllenOfOZ for the quick edits. She just did a proofread. All the dumb errors are my own, obvi.

Castiel knocked on a door he worried would haunt him for the rest of his existence. He imagined time and time again sneaking behind this door to rifle through the things left behind—himself included. In the weeks since Dean had been gone, late at night when everyone was either asleep or on a hunt, Cas would imagine years from now laying in Dean’s bed. He would go through the hunter's memento box, something Cas knew existed but had no clue of the contents. He hoped he would find something of himself in there. A memory he had forgotten, or a moment he didn’t even know was significant. He planned on rifling through the photos tearful and aching.

Instead, he stood outside door 11 waiting to see if Dean would answer or pretend he was already asleep. He and Sam had only been back for a few hours, and though Cas knew Dean needed his space, he couldn’t leave well enough alone.

“Come on in, Cas,” Dean called. The angel could hear the weariness in his tone. Now was not the time to talk to the hunter about what he saw when he looked through Dean’s memories of Michael’s possession. Instead, he would peek in and ask Dean if he was alright. It was a normal thing he would do, and Dean probably wouldn’t find it suspicious.

He turned the knob slowly, hesitation dictating his every move. When he finally stepped into the hunter's room he was taken aback. There was Michael’s vest and button-down shirt laying at the side of his bed, shoes still in the spot where they had been kicked off, his duffle bag lay open as if Dean dug through it for something and left the rest of the contents to spill out on the floor. It was so unlike the spotless room he was used to seeing.

“Hello, Dean.”

Dean looked defeated as if the last thing he wanted was to see Cas. He was sitting on the edge of his bed, already in his sleep clothes with a fifth of whiskey on his nightstand. Logically, Castiel understood why Dean wouldn’t want him there, but he couldn’t help the sting of rejection the pierced through his heart.

“I just wanted to––” Cas started, but didn’t get to finish.

“Cas look. I can’t...I can’t do this right now, okay? We’ll talk about it, I swear we will. But I just don’t have it in me tonight.” He never left his spot on the bed, never even lifted his head. He just spoke toward the ground.

Though Cas had no need to breathe, he couldn’t help but sigh. It was a habit he picked up after years of arguments with the Winchesters, either his own or witnessing theirs. “Of course, Dean. I’ll just go.”

With his grace so depleted, Cas felt emotions stronger than when he was at full power. He always had the capacity for feeling, but as he turned to walk away from Dean, he wished he couldn’t feel. He had wished every day since he lost his grace to Metatron that he was still full power for one reason or another. But at that moment, he just wanted the pain gone. Maybe he would try Dean’s method of coping and turn to drinking. He wasn’t sure how much he would need to dull his feelings, but he would start with the bar in the Dean-Cave.

“Cas?” Dean’s voice was so quiet, Cas thought it was just his wishful thinking playing tricks on him, but he turned to look at his friend anyway. His eyes were red and bright with tears, and his voice shook when he said, “Stay?”

Cas nodded his head and slowly walked closer. He didn’t know what Dean was asking him. He was confused and didn’t know how to act. But he would push through the discomfort to keep Dean company. Dean spent ten years telling Cas not to watch over him while he slept, and now he had an open invitation.

Dean pulled back his covers and slid between the sheets. He patted the spot next to him twice before laying down and turning his back to Cas, away from the door. Castiel slipped off his shoes and peeled off both his overcoat and suit jacket. As an afterthought, he pulled his button-down over his head, leaving him in only his slacks and a white undershirt.

He approached the bed with caution. Half expecting Dean to turn and yell at him to get out. But he didn’t, leaving Cas to lay down next to his friend. He lay there stiffly for a few moments before Dean reached up and turned off the bedside lamp, plunging the room into darkness.

Cas didn’t move, afraid any shift would disturb Dean, so when he felt the hunter scoot closer, he knew it wasn’t his movement that brought them together. Dean’s entire back pressed up against Cas, and he felt Dean trembling before he heard a choked sob.

“Dean. It’s okay,” Cas lied. They both knew it wasn’t okay, but what else could he say?

He turned, taking a risk and wrapping his arm around Dean’s chest. He felt panic rise through his chest when Dean pulled his arm out from underneath his own. Cas was scared he was about to be asked to leave when instead Dean simply laid his hand over Cas’ and pushed back further.

“What you saw?” Dean started.

“Don’t, Dean. It’s late, and you should rest. We have plenty of time to talk later.” Cas hated that the lies were flying out of his mouth so carelessly. They had no idea what the following day would bring or the day after that, and one thing they knew was that it's important to say the things that need to be said.

“It was how he tried to keep me quiet. At first, it worked. It took me a long time to figure out it wasn’t real. There wasn’t that hazy feeling you have when you’re in a Djinn dream. This just felt real.” Dean squeezed Cas’ arm tighter, holding on to him.

“I don’t even know where that fantasy came from. If Michael planted it, or it was part of my subconscious. I don’t remember ever wanting to run a school for hunters in training. But fuck, Cas it was great.” Dean’s voice was watery, and Cas detected a slight tremor.

“From what I saw, it looked like a really nice life.” Another lie. It wasn’t just a nice life, it was more than Cas could have ever dreamed of having. If that was the future they were fighting so hard for, it will have been worth it.

“It felt like months. We started with Jack, who still had his grace by the way. We trained him and Claire. The bunker was chaos, kinda like it is now, but instead of filled with strangers it was the people we love. Jody and Donna worked with young girls we didn’t even know. Chrissy and her band of merry men were here too. And God, Cas, you were like the new Bobby. Only, we didn’t need a new one because instead of this Earth 2 knockoff, we had our Bobby back.”

Cas wondered if it were easier for Dean to say this into the dark with his back to Cas. He stated only a few minutes ago that he didn’t want to talk, and now the words were pouring out of him in a way Dean had never spoken to him.

“And then there was us. That’s how I figured out it wasn’t real. It was too easy. We would never get along that well in real life.” Dean paused to laugh. Cas knew that he loved Dean more than anything in all of God’s creation, but he wasn’t wrong, they wouldn’t get along that well for that long. There would be fights, arguments, disagreements. It’s just who they were.

“I stayed even after I found out where I was. It was so easy there, man. We didn’t have to have this big talk. Things didn’t have to change, we just were. And it was everything I never knew I wanted. I don’t know, maybe I did know and kept that shit buried deep, and Michael found it. Maybe he knew if I was happy I wouldn’t fight back. And I didn’t. Not at first.”

Cas thought that might have been all Dean was going to say, he paused for so long. He wanted to assure Dean that they could have what he saw in his dream. They could just be without things changing. Well, some things would change, but those were all for the better. He wanted to tell Dean that he loved him, that he was in love with him and if Dean would just let him, Cas would spend whatever time he had left trying to make Dean happy.

Dean took a deep breath and blew it out slowly. “Then he started killing people. I wanted to stay. I wanted to give up and live this happy life I created, but I couldn’t. That’s just not what we do. And I knew you, the real you, would be pissed. You would be here hurting, not knowing what to do to save me, but trying anyway. My God, Cas, you let Sam grow a beard.”

Cas’ laugh caught him off guard. “I like Sam’s beard.”

“Yeah, me too. Just don’t tell him, okay.”

“Of course not. You should sleep now, Dean.”

“I can’t. Every time I close my eyes I see him killing someone else. I fought back. I told dream you goodbye and went straight to Michael. He was hiding in your old room, expecting we had no use for it anymore. I kicked down that door and stood there screaming every threat I could come up with. It was pretty badass. He was standing in front of a mirror, and I saw myself in his eyes. He was wearing a tux and my face, but it wasn’t me. He had this evil smirk.” Dean shivered and took a ragged breath.

“I was fighting so hard, and he didn’t even let his smile slip. He told me to sit back and enjoy the ride and then slammed the door shut. Only I was still inside. It was just me in your empty room. It started filling up with water, and I couldn’t get out. The door was jammed, and no matter what I did I couldn’t get out. The room filled so quick, it was just seconds before I was floating, struggling to catch my breath at the ceiling. Sam said I was gone for three weeks. It felt like ten years to me.”

Cas felt a tear drop on his hand and squeezed Dean as tight as he could. It wasn’t like Dean to weep openly, and his silent sobs earlier were enough to worry Cas. He was scared that his best friend had finally hit his breaking point. Years of endless pain had finally caught up with Dean, and he was crumbling. A part of Cas hoped this wasn’t something uncommon for Dean. Maybe he let out his single tear in front of Sam, but came back to his room on the tough nights and cried where no one would see him feeling weak. Cas also hoped that maybe Dean was finally going to let Cas in. Into his heart the way Dean had lived in his heart for so long.

“I tried to let myself sink to the bottom. To just give up, but I never could. I couldn’t leave you to take care of Sam. You don’t know how to make tomato rice soup when he’s sick, and your stich work is total shit. He would look mutilated within a year.”

Dean’s attempt at humor loosened the squeeze around his heart. It was so utterly _Dean_ that for just a moment, Cas thought everything was going to be okay.

“And there was you. I couldn’t leave without you knowing. I wanted what those two in my dream had. I wasn’t going to stop until I got back to you. Then seeing you, standing next to your adopted son. I panicked. I couldn’t say what I needed to, but I wanted you to know. I remembered everything, I just needed you to see. But the second you touched those memories, I pulled back, still scared.”

“Dean.” Cas leaned forward, resting his cheek against Dean’s ear. “If you want that, then we’ll have it. As you said, we won’t always be as happy as they were, but what we have will be real. It won’t be fake or a dream Dean, it will be real, and it will be ours.”

Dean hummed. “Ours. I like that.”

Cas held Dean until he fell asleep. He still didn’t know what the following day was going to bring, but for once he was looking forward to tomorrow.


End file.
